As I read over the last piece of writing that I posted on this blog, back at the beginning of the year; I realise how much of those hopes and goals that I had envisioned for 2014 have actually come to passed – And the year isn’t even done yet!
Back in January 2014, I would have never in my wildest dreams thought that the things that I had openly asked the universe to grant me would have been granted. In hindsight, it is silly to think that it would not have happened, given my belief that if you want something desperately enough, the universe will conspire along with you to obtain it.
Now don’t get this philosophy confused by some of the fluffy stuff that was exposed by books such as “The Secret”. The operative phrase is “conspire with you.” It all comes down to you, to what you do to make the change/make the manifestation.
So what has 2014 looked like up to this point? It has been a year of self-discovery. At the beginning of the year I opened up myself and declared to the universe that I wanted to live more vulnerably, to be open to the gaze of others, to believe and feel worthy of love. All I can say is – be careful what you wish for!
Like an undulating storm rolling over mountains, forest, and then finally reaching the parched plains desperately in need of nourishing water; the universe has presented me with situations and scenarios that have forced me to make the choice – do I want to be vulnerable, or do I want to ignore this opportunity? Do I take the risk, feel the pain but reap the benefits that flow from it? Or do I turn away numbing myself to the lesson and continue life as I know it?
It should come as no surprise that I chose the former. I dived into the unknown, and in the process I have began gaining a better understand of myself, and seeking deeper connections with the world around me.
It hasn’t been without pain and suffering.
By the Gods!
There were moments where I thought that the anguish was way too much, that it was never going to stop. Some moments I didn’t think I was able to bear it, and what more, that I wasn’t a worthy human being. It was pretty scary.
Much of the process that I undertook was with the support of a health professional. See it was an event that occurred after the Mardi Gras festival in Sydney that catapulted me into this process of self-discovery. I could not have undergone it without the support and safe space that was created by my shrink.
With him I faced issues surrounding my HIV status that I thought I had been done with but that had risen to the surface. I worked on long standing held beliefs about myself, how I saw the world and how I saw myself in it. As much as I had always resisted it, I even did some work on some childhood shit!!
I found love this year. In amidst the change and ferment that I have put myself through, I found someone who loves me so intensely, purely for being me. We couldn’t be so different as day is with night, yet with him, nothing else really matters.
What’s been helpful is that throughout this process of transformation I have learnt to be present, so my burgeoning relationship isn’t laced with unrealistic expectations.
This year has brought travel as well, and more recently it has also forced me to re-evaluate my vocation and professional life.
I am unsure if what I have experienced was my dark night of the soul. Though at times the pain that I felt was completely unbearable, I was acutely aware that I was in the middle of a process. Like the butterfly emerging from the chrysalis, the act of emerging is painful and is a struggle, but inevitably the butterfly emerges as something completely different from the being that created the cocoon.
I am still in process. I would never be so presumptuous as to declare that the processed has been completed. Far from it. The awareness and presence that 2014 so far has gifted me, can only propel me further through this process of change.