Happy new year!
I am treating this is my first official new year post for 2014, despite the emotional blurting that I shared last week, after opening myself to another human in a way that I haven’t in a long long time.
The final weeks of 2013 were quite insane, as the end of the year usually is, no doubt for most of the western world. However for my family and I, the end of 2013 was compounded by the death of my aunt, of whom I wrote of previously, at the beginning of December. Her funeral was held on 23 December, a hot humid Monday. Summer in Sydney is not a time to wear a dark suit, let alone the right time to have a funeral, though for that, I am sure that there is never a right time. Such occasions are always awkward not only for the obvious reasons. People whom you have not seen in a lifetime come together to grieve and honour the life of an individual that touch everyone of them in a different way. But it is also a time to catch up with these people, they comment on how much you have grown, of how proud they are to hear about your life. I always find this a little hard to bear given the context in which we find ourselves.
Reflecting on the entirety of 2013, however, I can’t say that on balance it was such a bad year. Looking back I feel that 2013 will be the year that I truly began discovering myself, and the person that I am and want to be. I discovered a vibrant beautiful pagan community that has embraced me and welcomed me with open hearts and minds. I was able to travel to parts of this country I never thought I would ever get to see. I experience the divine flow through people as we ritualled together, coming to tears at the beauty that I felt at those truly magickal moments.
I feel after such a long time of being closed off to world, coped up in my law text books, that I am reacquainting myself with the world around me, with the wonder of nature and the universe. I am starting to feel connected, and its actually beautiful.
My old anxieties are still there. I still worry about my finances, and how I feel like I should be better off than I really am given my age etc. Then I remind myself of all I have and I am grateful for the air in my lungs, the roof over my head, and the food I am able to share with my sister. I still feel at times that I am not enough, and then I remember to breath, and the feeling passes.
As my previous posts revealed, 2014 for me has commenced with a relationship with another person. This has propelled me to endeavour to live more vulnerably and wholeheartedly. I don’t doubt that this will pose it’s own challenges. But that is what life is all about though. Commencing to open up to love (if that is what it is – it is too early to discern), means allowing in all facets of love, the parts that make you giddy with excitement, and the parts that make you cry with paint form the depth of your soul.
If 2013 was about commencing the journey of self discovering, 2014 will be the year of been seen for who I am, of not fearing and trusting my instinct.
Here is hoping that 2014 is a beautiful wonderful experience for all. May we all learn a little more, laugh wholeheartedly, cry deeply, and perhaps love, love with all our souls.