I have opened myself up so slightly to someone else’s gaze and for the first time in a long time and I feel so so vulnerable. This is a double-edged sword for me. Since my diagnosis with HIV I have closed myself up to any romantic type connections with others. For a long time I was in denial about this closure, but in reality it was something that I was actively doing. Yet now, in the new year I have taken the leap into the wide ocean of human connection, I have let someone in and I am afraid. Afraid that I will be hurt, afraid that I will hurt that other person, afraid that my status will push that person away because as good as a person they may be they cannot cope with the fact that I have HIV. Afraid that they will fear me….
To live without having loved is to have lived a half existence. I can’t continue to be closed off, yet as I stand at the precipice of 2014, I am filled with fear, doubt, excitement and uncertainty.