Why the long period of silence?

I started this blog back in November, fresh after completing my formal legal studies at university. Finding myself with newfound time, I was a little excited to commence new projects that I had wanted to start when I was at uni.

The reality of the situation however, was that I was exhausted! Studying for the past five years really took it out of me. But more importantly, I needed time to readjust to life without university. There was a lot in my life that had remained neglect as a result of the demanding schedule I had maintained while studying full time and keeping down 2 jobs. Parts of my life were like an unkempt garden; overgrowing with useless weeds, and in need of much love.

I also hadn’t really had a chance to come terms with my HIV status. Yep. My HIV status. Even as I write this, it seems so surreal. I was diagnosed in late 2011. Being so determined not to let it get me in a depressed state, I tackled it in a pragmatic and matter of fact way (I’m a Gemini after all).  I got on medication, control it, and life moved on. I kept telling myself to just focus on finishing my final year of uni and then I could take time to deal with everything.

Well I finished uni didn’t I? I had to face the emotions that were connected with what had occurred more than a year before. The Buddhist have a saying: The three things that cannot be concealed: the Sun, the Moon, and the Truth. Well this was like my truth resisting concealment…concealment from myself.

However, taking the time to look within myself, it became apparent that much of the disruptive emotional baggage that I thought would be still lingering around had kind of disappeared. Now I am not saying that the avoidance strategy that I employed for about 12 months is the best way of dealing with anything as big as HIV. However what I had done in those 12 months is continue living. I continued with my gruelling routine. Importantly I showed myself that nothing had to change. I was still the same person, a person that could still achieve whatever I put my mind to….

I can’t say that I am 100% comfortable with my HIV + status yet. Perhaps I never will. But for now I am in a place where I can walk with this illness as a part of me, knowing that it does not have control over me…

OK so that was one MASSIVE and intense tangent, but it was partly why I suddenly stopped writing/posting. Also at the end of 2012 I was still attempting to find my path, and while I intended this blog to be a space recording my spiritual journey…I was feeling lacklustre, and without inspiration. I think it goes back to what I mentioned above. I had to give myself time to readjust to my life.

However because I technically hadn’t finished all my studies yet – as I still needed to complete the ‘Practical Legal Training’ component of my legal studies, I only had a 2 month grace period before I threw myself into studying full time while still working. Look that wasn’t exactly the smartest decision to make, but on the up side, that component of study is now OFFICIALLY OVER. All things going well, I should be admitted as a lawyer by the end of July….

So now I find myself in space where I feel a little bit more settled, a little more inspired, and more in touch with the spiritual and my gods. I look forward to sharing this with any of those willing to read my pedestrian words

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3 Responses to Why the long period of silence?

  1. hivhero says:

    it takes a long time to adjust to living with HIV… and for me, when I think that I’m finally OK with it, it creeps up on me, when I get the flu or a minor infection and it doesn’t go away for weeks, or when I meet someone and I have to go through endless disclosure.

    • isidorus84 says:

      Hey there! Adjusting to HIV definitely does take time doesn’t it. I think I have learnt how to walk with this thing which is HIV. At the same time part of me, but separate from me. My shadow self so to speak. For me it is the disclosure aspect which I am having the most difficulty with, but I have hope that with time, it will get easier. As for my health, I have no complaints. I am on the meds. Are you taking medication? I’m in Australia, so our access to antiviral drugs here is superb. I hope you feel better soon mate.

      Blessed be – thank you for stopping by my blog

      • hivhero says:

        I’m on meds yes, just started with a very very low immune system and although I am undetectable now, my immune system has been very very slow in rising… 🙂 Disclosure is so complicated isn’t it?

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