As I sit here penning yet another belated post, I recall what I was doing this time last year. For New Years last year a friend and I road tripped up north of the state to a gay and lesbian camping/dance festival. By this time last year I was back in Sydney lamenting the end of the holiday period for me, and preparing to go back to work.
This time around, it is not much different. I sit here at my desk as the mercury rises to 30 degree Celsius and its not even midday yet, as I lament once again the end of the holiday period. It doesn’t help that today is a full moon, so the sea of emotion within me at this juncture in time is swelling.
I have always felt that the period between Christmas and the new year is a liminal period, a short period of time that exists between the years, and so sometimes it feels like anything goes during that period. It’s as if anything we do during that period won’t have a lasting effect on the rest of year. At least, I used to think that. Now I realise that the very fact that it is a liminal period, it lends uncanny strength to those actions we take during it, to impact the rest of the year ahead.
Last new years, as I stood on the precipice before diving into 2014, I made a promise to the universe and to myself that 2014 would be the year that I lived vulnerably, with an open heart. 2014 was going to be the year that I was going to be seen.
Boy did I dive.
From the moment that the new year’s dust settled, and the year took on its cadence, I found myself in situations where I was vulnerable. Rather than run away from these scenarios, as is my natural response, I took them as opportunities. Opportunities to open myself a little more, an opportunity to lean into the discomfort (as uncomfortable as it may have been).
An even that occurred not long after the Chinese New Year (2014 was the year of the horse. By what everyone has commented to me, the year really did gallop along super fast, with purpose), threw me in the depths of self-doubt and made me question my self worth and my place on this planet. It was a pretty dark time, but again, seeing this as an opportunity for me to truly understand myself, I sought out professional help and began a conversation with myself. By the middle of the year, I realised that when I had declared that I wanted to live vulnerably and to be seen, the person that was witnessing me, was me.
2014 was the year that I fell deeply in love. I met someone with whom I was smitten. We share a lovely 7 months together, but unfortunately I broke it off just before the beginning of 2015. 2014 wasn’t without tough choices, and ending it with this truly lovely man wasn’t any different. It was a product of all the self-discovery that I had done over the past year, and realised that what he could offer was not what I ultimately needed. Telling him this broke my heart – primarily because I didn’t want to hurt him. Yet if I had stayed with him, I figured that the pain would be monumentally worse later down the track.
I am still learning to back my decision and go with what I feel in my gut. It still doesn’t mean that making decisions that resonate with my soul and heart don’t fucking hurt while making them, especially when they involve another sentient being.
As for my spiritual practice, at times in 2014 it faltered and there were moments where I questioned what I was doing. I found however that during these times of doubt, as clichéd as it sounds, it is always good to go back to the very essence of my practice. I go back to basics. I go back to the daily morning and evening prayer. I go back to the silent meditation at my ancestor alter even if its 5 minutes. To be reminded, and to be reconnected.
As 2014 was the year of the horse that galloped straight through the year with purpose and passion, 2015 will be the year of the sheep according to Chinese astrology. I feel as if it will be a time of grazing, and consolidating the gains made by the travelling horse of 2014.
And so in 2015, may you find that which you seek, and seek that which you need. May you be free to following your heart.